To Be Completely Honest
by Riley72
Summary: You're bitter, and you're angry, and you're hurt. And all that matters is that he is gone, and he's never coming back. You miss him, you'll always love him, and you'll never be able to forget him... Deathfic - Oneshot


**A/N** DOTT (Don't Own The Turtles)

So... this is basically... erm... an idea I thought of, while I was thinking on someone I loved dearly, who has been dead for a few years now... And it's kind of, bits of how I felt back then, how I feel now, what I would have said to this person- except, I've written it from one of the turtle POV, and just used my basic feelings as a guide. Obviously, it's a deathfic. And now, ya don't find out which turtle's POV it is, and which turtle has passed away.

Let me know if ya enjoy it. I suppose, that this could be considered as another addition to my two turtle Deathfics. But it's not as specific as I would have liked it to be. It's not like the other two, because you don't even particularly get a vague idea as to which turtle is dead. I hope ya enjoy it, anyways!

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**To Be Completely Honest**

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If I were to be completely honest... about everything. About you. About _then_. About how it happened... About That Day...

If I were to be completely honest... I would not tell you I remember every little detail. I would not tell you I still feel the way you gripped my hand. I would not tell you I still see that look on your face, whenever I closed my eyes. I would not tell you I remember.

Because I can't. I don't. I don't remember, I can't remember. It's all a blank. I can feel the pressure of my nails digging into my palms as I lent against the desk, casually, as the news was told. I can see them sitting on the chairs, tears staining their faces as they cried for you. I can remember the exact time on the clock when I found out. I can remember telling them words of comfort as they broke. But I can't remember you. Maybe I don't want to.

If I were to be completely honest... I would not tell you I blame myself, there was nothing I could do. I would not tell you I blame you, because you tried your best, did your best- and somehow, for some reason, that day it wasn't enough...

Because I can't. I don't. I don't blame myself, I don't blame you, I don't blame them. I can't. It's not their fault, it's not your fault, it's not my fault.

If I were to be completely honest... I would not tell you I think of you, every single day. I would not tell you I feel hollow now you're gone. I would not tell you I cried when it happened.

Because I can't. I don't. I can't think of you, every single day. It hurts too much. So I don't. I can't feel hollow now you're gone. Because they're still here, and I love them as much as I love you. So I don't. I can't tell you I cried, because I did not, I should think it was shock. But I can't promise you that it was. They needed you, and you weren't there, so I had to be there for them. And I was. So I don't cry.

Not yet.

If I were to be completely honest... I'd have to say... I love you, and I need you, and I miss you. And I'm broken now. Shattered. As cold as the earth in which you lie. As solid as the stone that marks your final resting place. As strong as I can possibly be.

I'd tell you that, not because I think it's what you want to hear. But because it's how I feel, how I am now. And I know that you won't mind.

If I were to be completely honest... I'd have to say... I know we'll live on without you. I know we will be strong again, even if we will never be whole again. Like swords, we have been broken, but we can be re-forged. So that's what we will do. We will reforge ourselves, so we can live and breathe and dream without you.

Even if I have to be the heat that melts the metal. Even if I have to be the hammer that beats the metal. Even if I have to be the water that cools the blade. Even if I have to be the person we all know I never can be.

Even if I have to be you.

And if I were to be completely honest... I'd have to tell you... that the idea of living without you scares me. It freezes me in my tracks. Paralyses me. But I know we'll make it through. And once we have been re-forged, I can forget about being you, I can forget about trying to fill your place.

If I were to be completely honest... I would tell you sometimes I hate you. I would tell you I want to be dead too, so I can be with you. I would tell you that I know I can't help them. I would tell you I can't save them from drowning, not without dooming myself. And I'm not sure I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

If I were to be completely honest... And forget about what you or they would think of me... then I would have to tell you... that your death has left me cold, unforgiving. Like the sword that took your life.

But I don't have to help them on my own. While I'm saving them, they will be saving me. While I'm staying alive to help them, they are staying alive to help me.

And if I were to be completely honest... then I would tell you... That I know, one day, we'll be OK. One day, we'll learn to live without you. One day, we'll be strong again. One day, we'll look back, remember you, and smile.

One day, thinking of you won't break us into a million pieces every time something reminds us of you.

One day... One day. Maybe sooner, maybe later. But until then, I make you this promise, because it's all that I can promise you...

I'll do what I can... I'll do what I can to save them, to let them save me. I'll do what I can to keep loving them, to keep you in my mind and heart. I'll do what I can to keep on living. I can't imagine making this journey without you, but I know that together, we can do it.

I can promise you that I will always love you, always miss you, always need you in some deep, irremovable way.

And if I ever break these promises... Then don't be too hard on me, because you broke your promise too.

You said you'd never leave.

You said you'd never let us get hurt.

You said you'd always be there to protect us.

You said you'd always love us.

You said you'd never lie to me.

You said you'd always be there.

You said we could do this together.

And, if I were to be completely honest... I'd tell you, even though I know it's not your fault, that you did it for us... A little part of me will always hate you for making promises you couldn't keep.

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**A/N **Please review and let me know what you thought!


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